Kindly Leave

So I have to take this bullshit kinesiology class.  All we talk about it how tobacco kills, sex makes you pregnant, and if you drink you’re definitely gonna drive drunk and kill 13 children.  I mean seriously, I know drinking and smoking kill and what not, but what the hell is life without a little risk?  If i die at 78 from lung or kidney cancer, THANK GOD!  If I’m alive at 78, take me out behind the barn and take me out Ol’ Yeller style.  Seriously, I never wanna be without the use of my legs or my dick.  The day i’m in a wheelchair and snorting lil’ blue pills so i can try and get a wrinly erection, do me and the world a favor and send me to meet my maker.  People smoke and drink and have sex because its awesome!  If asparagus gave me the same effects as an orgasm or a 1/5 of vodka, I wouldnt be hanging out in strip clubs.  The jolly green giant would be my best fucking friend.  So lay off everyone government.  This isnt the 20’s.  Everyone knows that if you hoover down Jack and a couple of packs of Marlboro Reds, your future isn’t so bright.  We do these things cause they feel good, not because we are idiot who dont know what cancer and mangled cars on the highway look like. 

Just to further my point, last night i studied with a huge fat wad of Grizzly in my lip, after drinking some beer.  Booyah Men’s Health!  Anyways, I just got done with the test in 10 mins, because its about tobacco, STI’s, and alcohol and i’m in college and well versed in the subjects.  And the second half of my class, the fun-filled hour of raquetball, doesnt start for an hour.  So, now I have to sit down here with all these kines majors and listen to em talk about how hard their water bottle filling and towel folding classes are.  Fuck that shit!  Kindly leave…  dot com.

“If I ever hear one of those snot nosed, daddy’s money, jackasses with names like Field, or Trevis, or Dax talk smack to me about football, I am going to scrape all of their frat feathers off their head with a spoon, and drive them so far up their ass with my size 14 boot that they will be farting their precious little frat wings until they are 35. Then I am going to defecate on the hoods of their Tahoes. ”

A Nice Little Rant I read.

FUCKING QUIT IT!!

Ok, so I have long been perplexed by the insane way that women willingly return to the sexual and emotional ties to idiotic ex-boyfriends.  Time and time again I have had friends and acquaintances sucked into this ridiculous mind-fuck of a game.  Here is how it usually plays out: boy and girl date, boy and girl break up, and then girl remains hopelessly attached to said boy and tends to his every emotional and sexual whim.  Now from what I have experienced, this is a world-wide phenomenon, and I think this applies to a lot of people.  I mean, I simply do not understand how men pull this off and how girls put up with this absurdity.  I just have to get it off of my chest, so bear with me for a few minutes…

To the ex-boyfriends out there, you’re a dick, but more power to you.  If you can keep a girl strung along with nothing more than the occasional drunk phone call and the pathetic attempts at pleasing her with your alcohol induced humping, then by all means, continue on.  I personally think its pretty messed up, but hey, if they are dumb enough to keep it going, then by all means lay the pipe where you may.

Now to all you sad little ladies out there, please don’t give me this “But I love him…” or “You just don’t understand what me and him have” ridiculousness.  The guy is using you as a means to an end.  Do you ever wonder why he only calls at 3 am when he’s half conscious?  Wow…  You’ve got to be better than that.  I have to have more faith in the fairer sex than to be duped by the drunken, barbarian attempts to woo you with the romantic bone we call the penis.

The even more perplexed version of this situation is when the ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend.  Wow…I mean wow!  First of all, where the hell does the new girlfriend think her wonderful man is going on all these drunken nights?  Second, why in a million years would the old girlfriend still partake in the carnal pleasures (and sometimes not so pleasurable) of the relationship while the other girl gets the dinners and movies and flowers and anything else that falls into that Sleepless in Seattle arena of bullshit.  Anyways…I digress.  Maybe I’m an old-fashioned guy who thinks a girl and a guy should only bump uglies with one other person, but to each his own.  Don’t get me wrong, if these people find themselves not tied down to any ball in chain, then by all means, hump to your hearts content.  I may be old-fashioned, but I am a modern man and I know that everyone needs a little physical stress relief from time to time.  But, once you put a name on it, time to put the old schtupp stick away and save it for that special lady.

Now for my real beef (and where the crackhead portion of my rant comes in).  Why is it so taboo to make jokes about how terrible it is for this to be going on between these two people.  I understand, it’s really none of my business and i may not ever truly know the intricacies of said relationship.  But, shouldnt i be able to comment as this Real World/Grey’s Anatomy of a whirlwind unfolds at my feet?  Ok, so it begins and the friends all tell the girl its a terrible idea and so on and so forth.  The girl doesnt listen of course, and eventually the friends just leave it alone and feel sorry for her.  So let me get this straight.  Everyone has told her that this is a bad life decision, and yet she continues?  Ok, so now lets say tomorrow my room mate wakes up to find me hitting a crack pipe harder than Bobby ever hit Whitney.  Now of course the first thing he and my friends would do is tell me how terrible of a life decision this is and how I’m so much better than this and blah blah blah.  But just like the old girlfriend loves the old in and out routine with her ex, I love to chase the dragon like my friend Tyrone Biggums (”You know what dog food tastes like? Do you? It tastes just like it smells… delicious.”).  Now, just like a promiscuous relationship between two ex-lovers, dealing with someone who has just fallen in love with the rock that built the ghettos is a very delicate situation. However, if i became a crackhead and all my friends relentlessly warned me of its dangers, I think i whole-heartedly deserve some hardcore crackhead jokes.  I mean, at first, it was sad that the voice that was behind “I Will Always Love You” was hoovering down crack rocks like a street hooker, but after a while, it was hilarious.  I think the same reasoning applies here.  Just like you get to make fun of me for being a crackhead, I get to make fun of you for being an idiot.  So, stupid girls, ex-boyfriends, and crackheads…..kindly leave!

Also, Dallas Cowboys, Brock Lesner, and stingy strippers….kindly leave!

Yesterday, at Wal-Mart in San Benito I realized why this country has gone in such a downward spiral and is quickly segregating itself from the rest of the World. After a hard day of work, a day that involved writing math problems about $123.87 Jack in the Box orders and punishing Osvaldo for calling Paola a Caca Head, I had to take my car Commanda Bynes to Wal-Mart for an oil change.

While waiting for Commanda to get her fluids pumped, I perused the aisles of Wal-Mart aka the Crown Jewel of San Benito, Texas. I walked to the food section and ordered 20 boneless buffalo wings, a large tub of Macaroni and Chee, and a Tropicana Pure Premium Acai Berry and Pomeganite Juice because Im very health concious. After leaving the deli section I went to check on Commanda Bynes but she still was not finished being blasted full of fluids so I decided to browse the electronics section.

It was in the electronics section of the Wal-Mart in San Benito, Texas that my revelation occured. We are all familiar with the $5.00 DVD bin found at most Wal-Marts. They contain such bottom-feeders of movies like Little Man, Gigli, Jersey Girl, Glitter, The Beverly Hillbillies, and Don’t Be a Menace in South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. You know, absolutely crappy movies that just pile up in the bin because $5.00 is too much to pay for the whole lot of movies in that God forsaken bin. This bin was different however, this bin opened my eyes to how shitty the future of America looks. In this bin I found life changing, eye opening, mountain moving hits such as Varsity Blues, The Karate Kid, Cool Runnings, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. As I looked to my right and noticed that the $19.99 copy of Sex and the City, $13.99 copy of the Notebook and $9.99 copy of It’s Pat seemed to be mocking the absolute blockbuster hits in the $5.00 bin I quickly came to the realization that Americans like Shit. Would you pay 400% more for a Ford Focus than you would a Rolls-Royce Phantom?

If you choose to buy Sex and the City instead of Varsity Blues then you are exactly what is wrong with America and are completely to blame for this power shift. Think about which quote would most effectively inspire you to be a better person and to motivate Americans to do the same, “Those shoes are fabulous!” or “Awwww is Billy Bob a cry baby? You cost me my perfect season, How does it feel? Cry me a river you fat f*cking baby!” Obviously the latter more closely echoes what our founding fathers had in mind for this great nation. In closing, I implore you, if you love America and all she stands for pay full MSRP for awe inspiring hits such as Varsity Blues, Cool Runnings, The Karate Kid, and TMNT II and encourage others to do the same. Lead this voyage back to World Dominance one DVD at a time.

Prepare yourself……..